So, I’ve been continuing on my path of focusing on me. It is happening. I’m killing it at work, I’m putting the steps in place to try and get transferred, I created my vision board and finally got the clarity I needed about what comes next. But it’s been hard, I’m not going to lie and here is why:
I’ve really struggled with my recent breakup. For the first time, I am actually processing the end of a relationship and not just blaming it all on myself. It is a different sensation and I, therefore, don’t really know how to deal. It doesn’t help when she even admits that it isn’t that she doesn’t care for you anymore, she just is going through a hard time and doesn’t know what to do but ditch the long-distance relationship. I think I am getting to a point of peace through, albeit, through anger. I’m f*cked off now because I think I’m realising that she had a bit of a fake side. She portrayed herself as this nice girl who has just been beaten down by her horrible ex. I’m not saying this isn’t true but she’s definitely not as innocent as she makes out. First of all, who dumps someone over text and then when they say that was shitty, turn it around and talk about how you have feelings too and your still the same person at the end of the texts. So I can’t say it was shitty that you dumped me over text because it hurts your feelings. Come on! Then we text and she admits that she does want to see me again, she just doesn’t feel comfortable asking that of me. Then ghosts me when I say OK, let’s have a conversation about this. If she really was this nice person she thinks she is she wouldn’t just ghost a person. I am so mad, but I think this is what I need to say f*ck her, I’m way to go for her.
So, my ambition to focus has got off to a testing start. That relationship I was in. Well not anymore! She broke up with me – via text. That was lovely to wake up to. I think what is hardest right now is not to go back into my patterns of self-loathing and self-doubt. My usual rhetoric is to feel like something is wrong with me and I am not deserving of love and that no one will love me. That thought is creeping in and causing me distress but I’m fighting hard against that. Yes, I write this with tears in my eyes but I am not going to go down this dark hole. I am a loving and caring person. I’m smart, I’m funny. Yes, I have my flaws but the love I have to give and give out to those I care about outweighs those flaws. I am not going to sit here and think I don’t deserve love, I’m going to change my thinking and that the right love hasn’t found me yet. And if my now ex gf doesn’t see the person I am or can’t handle a relationship with the headspace she is in at the moment, then that is her loss. Because the person I am would have supported her through everything she was going through and I would have been that rock she needed.
What I am not going to let this do is derail me. I got to where I am without a partner by my side and I will continue to strive to become the person I want to be and achieve the things I want in life on my own.
I know I’ll be up and down for a minute but I’m going to drive this emotion to better myself. Rather than eat crap, which will inevitably make me feel worse; I’m going to get in the gym and get healthy. I’m going to focus on work and streamline hobbies and see them through. I’m going to work on me so I can continue to figure out better ways to love and appreciate myself and stop being so harsh to myself.
First few days and what a shitter. But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I am going to become a freaking gladiator.
So, I started the New Year by writing about the things I was grateful for in 2017. We are only a few weeks into 2018 and as predicted, there was no way it was ever going to reach the epic proportions of last year. It’s been a struggle, to say the least, so I’m going to get the negativity out and then turn it to positivity as I focus on what I need. As per this is me just getting out of my head, the things that keep swirling around; sucking me into a dark vortex. Putting them on digital paper always helps me start to see clearer.
I’m over my job and I need a change but easier said than done. It’s so strange but as you get older there is definitely a shift. I have so much more to lose if I make what I perceive to be the wrong choice. And I can be incredibly hard on myself so those negative perceptions could break me. It’s like a never-ending circle – knowing I need to get out but not knowing how. It’s so draining. I’m figuring out how to cope and to make the most – I’m not going anywhere till I get my bonus in a couple of months. I worked hard for that coin. But then I really need to start acting on an exit plan, even if it does mean having to leave this awesome country and head back home.
I have a girlfriend. I know, that shouldn’t elicit negative feelings and it didn’t until recently. Things have just been weird and with my past history of relationships, it is taking my all not to jump. We are having a bit of a rough patch and in my head, that means the person is over it. We’ll see, I’m expecting the worst but I’m not going to pre-empt the worst…which is quite an achievement for me.
To top off the crappy start to the year I keep getting sick. Well, that isn’t symptomatic of this year but the last 12 months. For someone who is super active, it is really hard being sick all the time. You get into a rut and then you feel fat and unhealthy and that really takes a toll on your mental health. Couple that with the isolation of living alone and being sick so you don’t see anyone. Longgggg.
Now to the part where I stop drowning in self-pity and wake the f up. I can’t let anyone have that power to pull me down. Work sucks but I need to get out of it what I can and is good for my future development. My relationship may be rocky but I need to make sure I am number one and being in a relationship is just an added bonus. I want it to work but if it doesn’t I’m going to keep grinding until I shine. Hopefully focusing on me and bringing positivity to negative situations will help better my health problems. It’s time to focus on me, what I want and what I need. Time to get on track and start making the decisions I need to for me!
So. It’s that time of year again. I know I’ve been mia but as has become customary, I want to use this time not to make plans for next year, which I will inevitably break; but take time to reflect on the closing year and actual take a minute to appreciate all I’ve achieved. I’m so used to pushing for the next goal I rarely acknowledge what I’ve done. In fact, normally I beat myself up for not already achieving the next goal.
The big wins
This year I accomplished the dream of a lifetime and moved away from the UK to work. I found myself in Dubai. This isn’t somewhere I had ever imagined myself but man has it been incredible. I have had to put myself out there to make new friends, get used to a different way of life, work to maintain my friendships back home and I’ve done it all and then some. It took guts to get up and move to a place I’d never visited, not really knowing anyone. I am so proud of myself for getting this done.
I killed it at work. I always doubt my abilities, feeling like I am blagging my way through my job. This year I got a lot of recognition from a lot of important people. I also realised among my peers I had a vision and outlook that none of the others did. I am definitely still learning, but now I do so with more confidence in my abilities.
The small wins
I went back to therapy. I hit a low patch and rather than dwell I took action. I had realised that I now understand why I act the way to do in certain situations but needed to find ways to change those habits. I didn’t feel silly for needing therapy. I recognised how much it had helped in the past and did what I needed to. Small steps, everyday.
I have savings! Granted, not as much as I would like. But I have bills in the bank and that was one of my main goals when moving. Now I just need to get a bit better with things but it’s a good start.
I laughed and I may have found love. I laughed so much this year. I smiled way more, even to strangers, which is a no no in London. I was free. And all that has resulted in me meeting the most amazing girl. Who knows what 2018 will hold but I am excited to see with her.
I chopped off my hair. That was big for me. Beauty is objective but I always felt like the braids and weaves made me attractive. This year I cut it all off. It is taking getting used to but living with my natural hair was a great acknowledgement that, in the words of Indie Arie; I am not my hair. Be proud of the skin you are in people.
So that is my 2017 wrap up. If I have to set myself one resolution it will be to do more of the things that make me happy and don’t forget about the when I am happy. Like writing this journal! You’ll be hearing more from me in 2018!
So. I fought my way out of my last episode with depression and it feels really good to be level again. I wrote a letter to my ex to get out my head and sent it to her. Most expensive closure I’ve ever gotten. £50 to post a bloody letter! The joys of living somewhere where there isn’t a postal service. It’s weird the things you take for granted and miss the most when you are an expat! Anyway. I sent that and got out what I needed to. Has she read it? I have no idea; but that wasn’t the point. I just wanted to apologise and close the door, which I never had the chance to do. Luckily and surprisingly after a day or two, I stopped even wondering if she’d actually read it.
In the aftermath of feeling somewhat normal again I started thinking – what do you need to do to cope better? Therapy was my saving grace. I know the journey is long but it put me on the right path and made me open up and actually understand myself. It is a skill I really really needed. Even this last time I became depressed, I was able to focus, understand the emotion and work backwards to better understand where it may be coming from. I’m so pleased I can now do that. Looking backwards is exhausting though. I love that I now understand why I got to where I did; I just really want to draw the line in that and understand how to cope with it and move forward. It almost feels like constantly looking backwards becomes self-indulgent.
How do you do that though? Maybe I need to try a new type of therapy. I’m honestly just a bit worried about not being able to be totally open here in the UAE. I know you have confidentiality but I do live somewhere where it is illegal to be gay! I know these feelings won’t ever totally go away, I just want to be able to change my thought pattern quicker or know how to replace a feeling with something else. Like when I know I’m being ridiculous and eating too much crap, I’ll throw the pizza I can’t finish in the bin so I don’t eat it later – wasteful I know but don’t hate me. Can I essentially do something like that with my emotions. Ha. That is the worst analogy ever but you get me, I think
Please, help me people. Suggestions are always welcome.
I’m not even going to start with my usual line of not writing for ages and making sure I write more. I hope that will happen but history has taught me not to make false promises to myself. But as per, I’m currently in my feelings and the way I best deal with that is by writing here.
I guess one thing I want to start by saying is I am noting some positives in my current depressive episode. I am still able to appreciate the beauty of living in Dubai and I am still able to see the steps I have made since I started this blog. I am coping better. But I had a pretty dark day yesterday and I needed to get the thoughts out of my head before they consumed me further – so here we go.
I won’t go into the triggers of how I spiralled and fell into this current state. But if you’ve read my blogs before you’ll be aware that it usually involves women. Again, that is correct. At least this time it wasn’t a new fleeting romance, it was seeing someone who meant so much to me in the past.
What has been really hard for me to fight through this time is the idea that it gets better. I wouldn’t ever harm myself and don’t really have thoughts of ever self harming. But during periods like this I do have thoughts of ending things. I’ll think, ‘wouldn’t it be easier if I had a car crash right now and all the pain and the thoughts just went away.’ I hate having those thoughts but they are there when I feel like this. What used to help me through was that feeling that I know eventually I will get through this patch and will get level and go back to feeling like me. This is still true and I am grateful for that hope. I had the stark realisation this time though that indeed it gets better, but there is no magical cure for depression so inevitably, it will get worse again. My life will most likely be this constant yoyo of it feeling worse, then it getting better. That isn’t a fun thought.
This realisation has been helpful in some ways. Knowing that I can’t magically become this version of me I want and actually I will have to work at it every day. Some days it will be good and some days it will be bad. It’s such a bitch but at least I’ve now accepted it.
Anyway. A bit of a brain dump but just something I really needed to get off my chest today.
So, for a long time I have had this things about wanting to be friends with people I have dated or been with. I guess I had cared about them at some point, so I felt like I didn’t just want to throw that away. Being down these past few weeks and yet again having that manifest in feeling ugly and not worthy of love has made me think about my past, my relationships and why I feel this way. And man, I have felt some fire and realised I am better than that.
I mean there have been lots of girls and lots of failed relationships. As I’ve got older I haven’t remained friends with all of them. Jade and I seem like a dream now. I barely remember her as someone I dated. We don’t talk anymore and that is fine. I don’t need to talk to her, I just hope she is well and truly apologise for the part I played in our tumultuous relationship. Anna, well that is a different story. We don’t talk and I wish we did but that is because I wish we could give us a go again. So not talking is the better option. The ones I notice I pine over a lost friendship the most are the ones who treated me like crap. So now is my time to get off my chest what I will never be able to say to them.
Emma – you constantly made me feel like crap, like I was crazy for liking you. I get that you were in a sh*t place after having your heart broken but that doesn’t give you the right to mess with me and make me feel like I was just a piece of meat. And then to be a coward when you found someone new and let them talk badly about me and disrespect me when they don’t even know me. Grow some balls and defend me when you know full well I’m a good person who did nothing but like you, when you were single may I add. Why am I clambering for your approval or friendship? Why am I making myself feel awkward and uncomfortable in your presence? No more love. You were lucky to get with this and you would be incredibly lucky to have me in your life in any capacity. I’m tired of feeling less than around you so you have to go!
Kelly – well you are the sh*tter that finally broke the camels back eh. I guess I have to thank you for f*cking me up so bad that I completely fell apart. At least in that I sort the help I needed, got diagnosed and started on a path to better my mental health. But wow were you just not a nice person, to me at least. Going mia for weeks on end without a text, being pretty rude at times, keeping me dangling not knowing where I stand, telling me how much you liked being with me but that you were just f*cked up. I can’t blame you entirely. I should have had more self esteem and more self worth to not take that and to walk away. I guess a life time of feeling less than and being told that as a black woman I am not as beautiful made me feel lucky to get what I could. It still doesn’t excuse it. You can’t be that horrible to people you are with as you are now engaged to the girl you blatantly cheated on me with. Still I made excuses for you with my friends and even tried to extend an olive branch at first. What I realise though, is you don’t give a f*ck about me or how you treated me so I should no longer give a f*ck about wishing you happiness and love in your life.
OK – rant over. Now it really is time to let those girls go and all my past relationships. Not to forget what they meant at the time or how they have shaped me, but to let go of continually trying to please and be accepted by those women. I need to get rid of this idea that I am less than. I may not look like Paris Hilton and that may mean that many people don’t even see me. That sucks so bad but there is nothing I can do about that and by fixating on it, I start to dislike my blackness. I love my blackness and I am proud of it. Instead I need to love me and be happy with me and be happy when someone looks beyond the superficial and looks at me and treats me the way I deserve.