Two Months In

So. Finally I am sitting down and writing about my first couple of months here in Dubai. It has been education to say the least. In a good way though. I can truly say – or at least I think I can but we’ll get to that – that I’m happy. Actually do you know what, we will get to the annoying negative inner workings of my head but regardless of that, I am really happy here.

I was a bit anxious moving out as I have talked about. I’m female, I’m black, I’m gay. There are quite a few things there that could go wrong in a place like this. I’m also very London. By that I mean I can go on a night out and still look like the bomb ass biatch I am, but I can do it in some funky gear and a pair of trainers. To me, Dubai was like the Kardashians and I just don’t fit into that crew. How wrong I was! Dubai has so much more depth than I expected. I have been incredibly lucky to immediately fall into this emerging arts scene, where I am meeting people like me. And there is just so much to do. Hip hop karaoke, spoken word nights, garage raves. I mean, Dubai I am giving you snaps all over the place. Just goes to show you should never judge a book by it’s glossy, superficial cover. Don’t get me wrong; all the glitz and glamour exists and I’ve done a few of those nights and they were hella fun. But there is a lot more to this place.

Settling was hard. I was in an apartment work put me in for the first month. It was lovely but it didn’t feel like home. Made me realise how much I crave a base and somewhere to call mine. I was also in the process of making friends so it was very isolating. What this did make me see though is how strong and defiant I can be. I went for meals on my own pretty much every night, I went to bars on my own and had a drink. I got on with it and made the most out of the situation and in time, I settled, I made friends and I started to feel OK. Reflecting I’m really proud of myself for that. Being billy no mates is hard and with the way my brain works it just made me miss Anna more than I should. I sucked it up though and I am the better for it.

I mentioned early that I feel happy. I really do. I still love London but I didn’t realise how much it stressed me out. It may have been the weather or just life itself and I may just be in the honeymoon stage of living in a new place. Regardless, right now I feel positive; I feel light. Well not actually light. I have become a fatty and I really need to sort that out. Who ate all the pies? That would be me. Setting that aside though, I feel good, I feel confident and most importantly I feel I like me. I’m not being so damn hard on myself all the time.

Me being me I can’t totally be free from the negative thoughts, but it is getting better. At the moment I’m doing this weird dance in my heading of deciding if I’m actually happy, or am I just trying to make myself believe I’m happy. How stupid right? It’s actually ridiculous and I’m annoyed at myself for how silly it is. But one step at a time. I can’t completely change myself in a day (or two years apparently). It isn’t consuming me though. The thought pops into my head when I’m having a moment. Of course I’ll have moments! I moved my life all on my own to a country where I could be arrested if I’m too me in public. I mean come on; of course I’ll have moments. It’s just learning how to see them through and knowing that I wake up every day smiling and don’t want to tear my hair out near as much; makes me see something is working out here. I just need to keep on this positive path and stay conscious to this amazing opportunity rather than becoming a passenger to my own life again. To phrase a mantra a friend gave me to help me through, ‘I’m not going to let my demons win today.’ I like that they are smaller demons now, but they still aren’t going to win.