So, I’ve been continuing on my path of focusing on me. It is happening. I’m killing it at work, I’m putting the steps in place to try and get transferred, I created my vision board and finally got the clarity I needed about what comes next. But it’s been hard, I’m not going to lie and here is why:

I’ve really struggled with my recent breakup. For the first time, I am actually processing the end of a relationship and not just blaming it all on myself. It is a different sensation and I, therefore, don’t really know how to deal. It doesn’t help when she even admits that it isn’t that she doesn’t care for you anymore, she just is going through a hard time and doesn’t know what to do but ditch the long-distance relationship. I think I am getting to a point of peace through, albeit, through anger. I’m f*cked off now because I think I’m realising that she had a bit of a fake side. She portrayed herself as this nice girl who has just been beaten down by her horrible ex. I’m not saying this isn’t true but she’s definitely not as innocent as she makes out. First of all, who dumps someone over text and then when they say that was shitty, turn it around and talk about how you have feelings too and your still the same person at the end of the texts. So I can’t say it was shitty that you dumped me over text because it hurts your feelings. Come on! Then we text and she admits that she does want to see me again, she just doesn’t feel comfortable asking that of me. Then ghosts me when I say OK, let’s have a conversation about this. If she really was this nice person she thinks she is she wouldn’t just ghost a person. I am so mad, but I think this is what I need to say f*ck her, I’m way to go for her.

OK, rant over. She’s not worth my time.

 

So, I started the New Year by writing about the things I was grateful for in 2017. We are only a few weeks into 2018 and as predicted, there was no way it was ever going to reach the epic proportions of last year. It’s been a struggle, to say the least, so I’m going to get the negativity out and then turn it to positivity as I focus on what I need. As per this is me just getting out of my head, the things that keep swirling around; sucking me into a dark vortex. Putting them on digital paper always helps me start to see clearer.

I’m over my job and I need a change but easier said than done. It’s so strange but as you get older there is definitely a shift. I have so much more to lose if I make what I perceive to be the wrong choice. And I can be incredibly hard on myself so those negative perceptions could break me. It’s like a never-ending circle – knowing I need to get out but not knowing how. It’s so draining. I’m figuring out how to cope and to make the most – I’m not going anywhere till I get my bonus in a couple of months. I worked hard for that coin. But then I really need to start acting on an exit plan, even if it does mean having to leave this awesome country and head back home.

I have a girlfriend. I know, that shouldn’t elicit negative feelings and it didn’t until recently. Things have just been weird and with my past history of relationships, it is taking my all not to jump. We are having a bit of a rough patch and in my head, that means the person is over it. We’ll see, I’m expecting the worst but I’m not going to pre-empt the worst…which is quite an achievement for me.

To top off the crappy start to the year I keep getting sick. Well, that isn’t symptomatic of this year but the last 12 months. For someone who is super active, it is really hard being sick all the time. You get into a rut and then you feel fat and unhealthy and that really takes a toll on your mental health. Couple that with the isolation of living alone and being sick so you don’t see anyone. Longgggg.

Now to the part where I stop drowning in self-pity and wake the f up. I can’t let anyone have that power to pull me down. Work sucks but I need to get out of it what I can and is good for my future development. My relationship may be rocky but I need to make sure I am number one and being in a relationship is just an added bonus. I want it to work but if it doesn’t I’m going to keep grinding until I shine. Hopefully focusing on me and bringing positivity to negative situations will help better my health problems. It’s time to focus on me, what I want and what I need. Time to get on track and start making the decisions I need to for me!