Day One
So, my ambition to focus has got off to a testing start. That relationship I was in. Well not anymore! She broke up with me – via text. That was lovely to wake up to. I think what is hardest right now is not to go back into my patterns of self-loathing and self-doubt. My usual rhetoric is to feel like something is wrong with me and I am not deserving of love and that no one will love me. That thought is creeping in and causing me distress but I’m fighting hard against that. Yes, I write this with tears in my eyes but I am not going to go down this dark hole. I am a loving and caring person. I’m smart, I’m funny. Yes, I have my flaws but the love I have to give and give out to those I care about outweighs those flaws. I am not going to sit here and think I don’t deserve love, I’m going to change my thinking and that the right love hasn’t found me yet. And if my now ex gf doesn’t see the person I am or can’t handle a relationship with the headspace she is in at the moment, then that is her loss. Because the person I am would have supported her through everything she was going through and I would have been that rock she needed.
What I am not going to let this do is derail me. I got to where I am without a partner by my side and I will continue to strive to become the person I want to be and achieve the things I want in life on my own.
I know I’ll be up and down for a minute but I’m going to drive this emotion to better myself. Rather than eat crap, which will inevitably make me feel worse; I’m going to get in the gym and get healthy. I’m going to focus on work and streamline hobbies and see them through. I’m going to work on me so I can continue to figure out better ways to love and appreciate myself and stop being so harsh to myself.
First few days and what a shitter. But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I am going to become a freaking gladiator.
Photo by Bruno Bergher on Unsplash